actually, I'm a sock model
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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