remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
