So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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