he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize