Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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