according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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