I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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