There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
