Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
