I wish I could teleport
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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