Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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