she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also, beer. Big fan.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
