____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
