the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
