you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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