The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
