you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
