im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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