The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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