Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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