Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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