Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
