i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize