Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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