Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
North Korea, Best Korea!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize