If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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