there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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