They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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