I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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