So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
