he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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