Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
