She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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