Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
