I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
