About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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