even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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