my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
