Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
