Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
