my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
