i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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