I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
