she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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