The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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