He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
