Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
