I look better un-naked...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
