Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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