btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize