Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
