i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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