Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
