bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
