I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
