morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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