Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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