i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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