i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
