True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
