worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
