So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
