Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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