He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
